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Honey, he's in quarantine and still won't text back, give up

Ah, lockdown - the love language of introverts, the nightmare of extroverts. You know who else’s nightmare it is? Your ‘chirpse’, your ‘ting’, the one you may or may not be making up scenarios about in your head just before you go to sleep, yeah that person. It was all so promising before Ms Rona embarked on her world tour, but people are busy right? He’ll definitely have a valid reason for disappearing for five hours and then (probably) reply to your stream of messages with three measly words and a poorly chosen emoji. Right? Wrong. Gone are the days of, “sorry was at the gym ahah wyd x” at 11pm. The gyms are closed. Uni’s closed; pretty much everything’s closed and it’s hard to come up with a plausible excuse when you’re literally doing nothing all day. ‘Just keep busy and he’ll reply in no time’ – another lie you tell yourself. Are you in the right headspace to receive information that might possibly hurt you? There are no more excuses, he’s just not that into you. You’re going to come out of that long shower, and he still won’t have texted you. You’re going to wake up from your third depression nap of the day, and he still won’t have texted you. The actual UK Government texted you, and he hasn’t. And no, he’s not going to reply to that fire pic that you put on your story solely to remind him that you exist. “sorry went on my government-approved walk, took ages ahah x” Who does he think he is? The Proclaimers? He’s been living in your head rent-free and girl, his lease is UP. We know he’s in his room, where he probably hasn’t opened the blinds in three days, playing PS4 on his sheet-less bed, after his fourth wank of the day unbeknownst to the fact that his single and very flat pillow is undeniably the cause of his chronic neck pain. Oh, and he definitely won’t have any bog roll.  He’s bad vibes and let’s be honest, he’s probably just as toxic as COVID-19. When this is over, do yourself a favour and carry on social distancing. From him and him only.

By Kassie Obi

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