Guidelines for the Covid-Conscious Commuter

The verdict is in: schools and offices are now safe for work! The government has signed an agreement with demonic ne'er do wells Covid-19, Skeletor and Mark Zuckerberg to ensure that the virus would only target groups of 6 or more meeting for the sole purpose of personal enrichment rather than to collect the required monetary means to live.


As a commuter, you’re probably not thrilled about daily travel in a metal, tube-shaped incubator. The thought of being in close quarters with a coughing, maskless Covid-denier in camo shorts and wraparounds on the Bakerloo at rush-hour is about as appealing to you as an Groupon for an acupuncture session with Vlad the Impaler. We’re with you! Public transport is to be avoided if possible, and we’ve come up with five helpful alternatives:


Trebuchet

If you have access to your own garden or can break into one and build a structure up to 30 metres tall without being noticed, this is the commute for you. Travel up to 300 metres at a time by flinging yourself to work like the giant pieces of flaming rock did 700 years ago. Even better, if you miss a landing or hit an unfortunate house, you certainly won’t catch the virus as you’ll be reduced to a pile of quivering Jelly on the floor!


Fear of Intimacy

Being in a lockdown relationship is pretty intense, and if you were having doubts, they’ve become heightened by a factor of roughly 8000. Luckily for you, the realisation that you’ve cocked up can be a useful tool to get you out the door and into the office. Just really think about how not ready you are for this level of commitment. You’re doing it now, aren’t you? Excellent. Now run, run, run from that feeling as fast as you can. Why did you agree to move in? No. Push that out your mind and keep running, don’t you dare look back! Oh look, you’re at work already. They can’t ask you where it’s going at work, your phone’s on silent, you’re being professional. Lovely, safe, intimacy-free work.


Ride a chicken

Who can afford a horse? Chickens are way cheaper!*

*Note: Chickens do not make very noble steeds, you may need a lot of chickens.


Become President of the US (or another decaying nation-state)

The downside to this is that to get votes you’ll have to adopt a neo-fascist agenda that puts the very future of your country into serious jeopardy. On the plus side though, you get your own work plane! How cool is that?


The Long Game

This is for the patient only and will require 20 to 40 years, depending on the levels of catastrophic government mismanagement. First, wait for boat stocks to drop to an all time low and then cash in on some premium canoe equipment. Second, wait until the oceans rise to sufficiently Noah-esque proportions. Third, canoe to work over the corpses of those who tried to get to work in underwater train tunnels powered electrically.


By Joel Bradbury



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