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Guidance: How To Wear And Make A Cloth Face Covering

As part of the PM's 'shape of a plan' the public has been encouraged to wear face masks in some public areas, such as the tube. Ingenious! Covering your face with a thin paper mask will certainly stop you from breathing in COVID-19 particles when you're crammed into a tightly packed tube, squirmed against someone's bushy armpit. You'll still be able to smell the foul rush hour morning breath, but don't worry, you won't catch Corona.

In response to concerns about accessing effective facial protection, the government has released a flurry of articles, videos and youtube tutorials explaining how to wear and make your own cloth face covering. Officials stress the importance of making sure you can breathe whilst wearing the face mask and wearing the cloth over your nose and mouth (don't worry about covering the eyes and ears). The government's creative, makeshift approach to this essential item is really refreshing and completely out of line with the PM's grave approach towards the pandemic.

To help our readers make their own PPE equipment from the limited resources of their own homes, we've put together a succinct list of the best household items you can use to effectively protect yourself from COVID-19.

1. Smelly socks - The health minister advises making sure they've been worn by your younger brother to exercise in at least 3 times in a row- this is really hygienic as the fungus living on his toenails act as a barrier of bacteria to stop COVID particles from coming in. Simply tying the sock over your nose and mouth with some sellotape to join the ends should do the trick.

2. Unused Condoms: usually you're an unstoppable sex god, but the lockdown has made even you sexually redundant, so you've got plenty of these babies lying around. The good news is you can use them as a face covering! For those of you who are well endowed, or are lucky enough to be intimate with a boy who is (send me their number?) no extra material is necessary, simply open the condom up like a swimming cap and place it over your head. We suggest poking holes along the ears so that you do get a bit of oxygen in there (remember you can't catch COVID through your ears and eyes!)

3. Sanitary Pads: recent scientific investigations have revealed that blood lined pads might be the most powerful way of battling against COVID-19. The PM himself has reported the experience as both pleasant and tasty. We suggest making sure that the pad is worn by a menstruating subject for at least 8 hours prior to being worn as a face cloth: much like the smelly socks phenomenon, this will act as a barrier against potentially harmful bacteria.

Other important face-mask facts to bear in mind:

· Health minister suggests not wearing a facemask if you struggle to breathe when it is put on

· Children below the age of 2 are not officially expected to be able to put one on or make one and are therefore exempted.

By Chiara Maurino

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