Boris Johnson has announced that the newest phase of the UK's lockdown exit strategy bears the mantra 'Laugh Out Loud'. The original dictum was that of 'Live, Laugh, Love', but health ministers advised against it on the grounds that the operative word 'Live' gives false hope to the British public.
After realising that the lockdown has ended without his say-so, Johnson has decided to move forwards with the LOL strategy. Every national address will now also be suffixed with 'idk tho'; an appendage designed to remove any accountability for the events of the following months.
"LOL, guys. ROFL. LMAO." announced Boris to the UK on Thursday during his press briefing, "Just pretend that it never happened and we can all move on and be down the boozer asap rocky."
"It seems we've all given up, and tbh I'm quite over the whole thing, so let's just LOL it off and get on with it. We've all got places to be, people to see. I've heard Barnard Castle is looking pretty nice this time of year, and I'm keen to have a visit.
When questioned by journalists about the continued prevalence of the virus in communities, Johnson responded;
"Essentially yes, the virus is still very much at large in society, but it's all lolz now. Laugh it off - I certainly have. Chuck the deuces up, have a cheeky pout in the mirror and get over it. I've got statues to re-erect and some more babies to be making."
"If we can just erase our collective consciousness and the hyper-hygienic inculcation of the last few months, the world will be a better, if indeed less populous, place."
By Sophie Peachey