Baking banana bread, re-organising a bedroom, watching the Watermelon Sugar music video every hour on the hour, thinking about Harry Styles eating watermelon, thinking about Harry Styles eating other food stuffs, planning a new tattoo (maybe of a watermelon?) and wanking are all activities girlfriends up and down the country have taken up now that they are separated from their other halves. It’s certainly a tough time for young couples, especially those couples for whom lockdown has triggered the realisation that they don’t like each other very much. But, for the lucky few who stumble on in a haze of heady romance, these are unprecedented times indeed.
This country’s pining women must partake in such activities to fill the 5’9’’ sized, Stone Island wearing, Lynx smelling void their partners have left behind. Once the above list has been completed, repeated and exhausted there remains only one viable option. Hair-cutting. On paper, it’s a terrible idea. Brad Mondo doesn’t think you should do it, your mum doesn’t either, even your best friend has advised you against it after she bleached the front two strands of her hair last month and now looks like a Dua Lipa tribute act. But what if it goes right? What if you end up with a fringe that’ll change your life? Maybe you’ll be more employable with a fringe, maybe you’ll look like Jane Birkin with a fringe. Oh my God, maybe you’ll look like Marianne from Normal People with a fringe! It’s unlikely that your bang-average boyfriend will morph into a chain-wearing sex symbol from Sligo, but one can dream.
Above all, it’ll get his attention. Once upon a time, his humble response of ‘lmao’ made your heart flutter, not anymore. He can’t lmao your new fringe! It’s time. You lock yourself in your room armed with a pair of blunt kitchen scissors, a mirror and your laptop. You watch an hour of YouTube videos telling you how to get the perfect fringe and finally, you feel ready. You’ve decided on a wispy, dishevelled vibe. 15 minutes later you emerge with what can only be described as a wide tuft splayed across your forehead. Less Marianne, more Emma Roberts at the Critics’ Choice Awards.
A few hours later, after you’ve endured your family’s ridicule and cried on FaceTime to Dua Lipa, you decide to send a picture to your boyfriend. His sweet words will comfort you, you’re sure. He loves you! You plump for a cute, self-deprecating shot and hit send.
“Lmao, why did you do that?”
By Freya McCoy