GBP to be replaced with clapping as new form of currency

After the death of national hero Captain Tom Moore, who raised more than £32 million for the NHS by walking 100 laps of his garden before his 100th birthday, a breaking news alert ripped across the nation, imploring Britons to stand and clap at 6pm.


An eye-twitching throwback to the first lockdown; the warm early-evening claps of the spring replaced by a more frigid clap for a man who died of the very thing he raised money for.


Many questioned the clap. Is it just empty virtue signalling hiding the systemic under-funding of the NHS? Is it merely a gesture to give a human face to the Tory party, disguising the highest worldwide deaths and severe economic downturn?


Yesterday's PMQs saw these questions posed to the government.


Answering the grievances of the nation, Boris Johnson stated:


"Clapping is a more organic currency. What people want is strained gratitude, not something as gauche as a bank transfer. A 90-second bash of two pans together on a doorstep in Clapham is worth more to any NHS front-liner than an increase in salary or a fully equipped healthcare system."


Sunak followed, outlining his plans to replace GBP with a new bartering system - claps for goods. According to a Westminster insider, the new strategy is said to replace the furlough scheme with a cabinet member clapping periodically outside your house, 'sending their prayers and thoughts'.







By Sophie Peachey




© 2023 by Glorify. Proudly created with Wix.com

This site was designed with the
.com
website builder. Create your website today.
Start Now