Freshers across the UK have been gifted with Welcome Week boxes that contain, amongst other items, condoms, pot-noodles, a viral load of coronavirus and mandated isolation.
With universities across the country welcoming freshers with open wallets and closed lecture theatres, many have received welcome week packages filled with essentials to aid their journey into independent living.
Our reporter on scene at Glasgow university was able to access one of the boxes, and showed Quaranzine its contents.
The findings were as follows: one pot-noodle (chicken); one ribbed-for-her-pleasure condom; one extra-strength viral load of coronavirus; PPE for toilet breaks; crippling loneliness; a leaflet on social pariahdom; a two week quarantine.
Speaking to freshers through barricaded windows and their Hazmat suits (lounge edition), our Reporter details their thoughts on their gifted Welcome Week Package.
"I love the box," said a gleeful James Cormac, "I'm especially excited about the quarantine cause I'm desperate not to make any friends or have any social interactions, and I'm also excited about the condom which comes with an £800 fine if I use it with anyone outside of my six person bubble."
By Sophie Peachey