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France Calls For ‘Holiday At Home’ Amid Fears That Other Countries Are Better

Amidst current events, the French government does not want its citizens traveling abroad this summer with the fear that they will realize any other country in Europe is better.

President Emmanuel Macron said it was unlikely that French people would be able to undertake major foreign trips this summer, meaning that literally any trip away from France could classify as a “major” trip.

COVID-19 strikes fear in the hearts of anyone who watches the death toll climb, as we have not even reached the peak (in cases aside from anti-vax Americans thinking this is Bill Gates’ mastermind strategy to inject tiny robots in everyone’s bloodstreams so he can track us for reasons only a billionaire philanthropist would know). Most other nations foolishly believe scientists and the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.

However, this call to action on France’s behalf shines light on three things: they can use baguettes to ensure they are six feet apart from each other, Paris miraculously doesn't smell like cigarette smoke anymore, and the French are notorious for retreating.

Like anyone who experiences Paris syndrome on their study abroad program to the country with the language of love, these attempts at slowing down the virus are extremely underwhelming. People will feel the weight of this issue only when we see them wearing hazmat suits just to fetch the mail or when it is announced that a zombie apocalypse has emerged as a result of the virus.

Here is a short list of things you might have planned for this summer if you are French:

  1. Brag about winning the world cup two years ago.

  2. Be rude to Americans trying to learn the language whilst in your country.

  3. Scream “Oui! Oui!” begrudgingly at the full moon.

  4. Become a mime…?

Until then, the French will have to readjust their lives to stay indoors. This means eating snails on their balconies as they solemnly look out into the distance with the Eiffel tower slightly out of frame like an ending to a French silent film in the 90s.

By Leo Meza

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