Florida has to stay on brand for continuity.
Outrage swept the globe as reports of Florida opening up beaches hit the headlines. Whilst some believe that relaxing restrictions as the curve flattens is a bit like turning someone's ventilator off because they look slightly less peaky, many were left to ponder the collective IQ of state governors, wondering how democracy has failed us in allowing half-baked solipsistic deficient dunces to run federal states. Looking at America's current leader, it is hard to imagine how such a tight ship has allowed clinical morons and the brain-dead to slip through the cracks and into Congressional seats.
HOWEVER, breaking news has revealed that Ron De Santis, the Governor of Florida, isn't actually medically stupid, and is just playing a high-stakes games of Truth or Dare with Donald Trump to fill up a bit of time during quarantine.
De Santis's personal stenographer has released an excerpt of the game, to later be cited in De Santis's upcoming autobiography entitled; 'Genocide Schmenocide; How I Killed Lots of People But It's Not Genocide Cause I'm Just Thick'.
De Santis: Dare.
Trump: Open your beaches lol.
De Santis: Haha, ok.
De Santis: How many people will die this year from your inability to prepare?
Trump: Lol. Dare please.
De Santis: Give free health care to sick and dying Americans.
De Santis: Hahahahaha. Just kidding. Imagine.
Trump: Do a proper one.
De Santis: Make your economic sanctions worse in Iran.
Trump: Fun! Will do right now.
By Sophie Peachey