Is your morning depression not riding you hard enough? Are your lockdown blues fading with the distant mirage of normality? Are you relatively functional and able to get out of bed when you wake up? Do 'abyss' and 'void' not feature regularly enough in your vocabulary?
Sounds like you're not depressed enough. But have no fear, dear Quaranzine reader, for we have compiled a list of tricks that doctors HATE, to make sure that you can reinstate the perennial sinking darkness that has been a pillar of your morning routine for the last year.
In order to feel generally worse about life and your wider prospects upon waking, make sure to do these 5 things:
Check the news - remember how many people have died, reflect upon the personal toll the pandemic has taken on every aspect of your life, inform yourself of all the new variants in circulation, check up on every deleterious move of Rishi Sunak.
Check the 'last active' status of the boy/girl/other on Whatsapp who won't reply to you - this is self explanatory.
Examine every surface of your body in natural lighting - make a list of eleven things you hate.
Browse Linkedin - allow the icy dread that can only be attributed to career insecurity to caress you like an old lover.
Scroll up in your camera roll to pre-covid pics - happiness? Don't know her.
We hope these help anyone who was feeling too positive! We know that emotion can be disconcerting, so it's best to ensure you sink to a personal low as soon as possible.
By Sophie Peachey