Today, children everywhere mourn the loss of a proud tradition of trading pain for cash, while their newly minted activist parents rejoice in eliminating another piece of racist trash.
President of both the Abolish Racist Fairies Foundation and the homeowner’s association in her all-white neighborhood, Karen Mitchell, read from a prepared statement: “Much like that scourge against humanity, Christopher Columbus, who propagated the demise of indigenous peoples by sailing a boat, this so-called Tooth Fairy spreads wealth inequality with every wad of cash she places under a privileged white elite’s luxurious goose down pillow.”
“It’s bad enough that black kids have to sleep on foam pillows,” lamented ARFF Vice President Sylvia Gilmore, drawing on her intimate knowledge of black people’s pillow preferences gleaned from watching Fresh Prince reruns in lieu of any actual black friendships. “Imagine their horror when they wake in the morning with stiff necks to find only a few dollars shoved underneath."
“Meanwhile,” Gilmore continued, “their white counterparts are getting a jump start to their trust fund portfolios with high yield stocks. It’s truly a multi-generational problem. Now we’re even starting to see the ultimate symbol of white privilege show up tucked into satin pillowcases… bitcoin!”
“Perhaps it is unfortunate that white kids sometimes fare better when their teeth fall out,” lamented the Tooth Fairy, “but their parents also sometimes have more money. It only stands to reason that a rich person would give more than a regular person, regardless of skin color.”
“She said what???” recoiled Gilmore. “Just another example of the warped logic of white privilege. I bet that corporate overlord, Elon Musk, tried shoving a Tesla under his brat’s pillow. I suppose this idiot Tooth Fairy thinks that’s fine, too.”
We couldn’t help noticing the shiny iPhone 11 in Gilmore’s eight-year-old daughter’s hand as she stood smiling next to her animated mother, a prominent gap in her front teeth on full display. Connecting the dots, we also wondered what Michael Jordan’s kid might have received when he lost a tooth. We’re betting it was a lot more than a pair of sneakers or even a fancy phone, but we repressed the urge to investigate. That would be racist.
“I don’t even exist,” claimed a clearly exasperated Fairy in one of the most pathetic explanations we’ve ever heard to try to justify blatant bigotry.
“She can float whatever flimsy excuse she wants,” chided Mitchell. “Just as sure as I know my self righteous indignation will move to whatever cause garners the most social media attention next week, I know this Tooth Fairy exists in my mind.”
“We toppled Columbus, literally. We can certainly take down this fraud, and then it’s on to fry bigger fish. That hypocrite, God, started this all when he made white people. He’s next on our hit list.”
Unified by Mitchell’s vision of a world free of whites, a chant of “Shame… Shame… Shame” rose from the mob.
Spewing one last gust of hate before storming from the scene, the disgraced Tooth Fairy emphatically waved her racist wand at us and shouted, “I’m actually just all of YOU!”
By Chuck Miller