Another day in quarantine, another notification from @JennySpiritFlower69 informing all 300 followers of her incoming livestream. The self-professed protagonist of COVID-19, the starring role in the World Wide Apocalypse. You click by accident, and then it’s just you and her, trapped in a morass of cringe, an intimacy like no other.
You both acknowledge that it’s just you two in this bloated cyberspace, her smiling as you sweatily jab at your screen to remove yourself from the situation. 10 days spent in solitude, only to be broken by the dulcet tones of Jenny’s fawning drivel. Thank God Jenny is broadcasting her bile-coloured berry porridge bowl, no way you would’ve made it through the morning otherwise.
Move aside BBC, the new beacon of broadcast television is our very own Jenny, telecasting #hope and #positivity one Kombucha at a time. Will you tell her that her livestreams nauseate you to an immeasurable degree? Nope. A passive aggressive unfollow will suffice. Let's hope you don't bump into her after this all blows over. Note to self: continue social-distancing measures post-corona, exclusively for Jenny.
By Sophie Peachey