It has been confirmed that Dominic Cummings, Chief Advisor to the Prime Minister, is the chief suspect in the spate of politically motivated killings that have occurred over the past few weeks. This follows the controversial decision to grant Cummings total legal immunity, following a scandal in which Cummings broke protocol and travelled despite the lockdown.
In an official press conference, Downing Street made the following statement: ‘For the benefit of the British people, the British economy, and international relations, the decision has been made to no longer apply British law to Dominic Cummings.’
A source from Downing Street told us that the decision to grant him immunity was a tactical one. ‘It would have been very difficult to prosecute Cummings whilst retaining him as a political advisor, so we decided to take the easy way out and give him legal immunity.’
We spoke to an anonymous Conservative MP last night over the phone. ‘Quite frankly, it’s scary, because anyone who Dominic [Cummings] held a grudge against is now in mortal danger. The police refuse to help us, citing security concerns. I said he looked like a duck once, and he swore revenge on me. He has already killed thirteen people, and you never know who might be next. If only he had… wait a second… oh god, he’s here isn’t he… help! Help! I don’t wanna die, please someone hel-’
Our source’s body was discovered in the early hours of the morning with knife wounds in the chest and head. Cummings’ DNA was found at the scene.
Cummings has also reportedly acquired approximately 1.5 tonnes of heroin, which he intends to sell to gangs across the UK. He has been in talks with North Korea who have reportedly supplied him with nuclear weapons.
At the time of writing, there are rumours he intends to annex Devon, creating a sovereign state and establishing a monarchy. When asked whether he condemned his advisor’s actions, Boris Johnson said ‘I don’t know. I don’t really care either. So long as he’s not hurting the economy.’
By Joe Danbury