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COVID-19 Working Hours Reduced To 7AM - 10PM

COVID-19 has thrown in the towel on its influenzic career after a long 9 months in the trenches. Overtime has clearly taken its toll on COVID, who has reduced its working hours from 24 hours a day to limited working hours, operating exclusively between 7am and 10pm. COVID has decided to lessen in contagious severity after the hours of 10PM, meaning it is impossible to contract the disease on the crowded 10:03 Northern Line.

Many question the scientific backing to the 10pm curfew measures set in place by Boris Johnson, but COVID insists that its liaison with the Prime Minister is in order to provide some respite for the virus that has been working tirelessly since its worldwide debut in December 2019.

Following COVID's reduction in working hours, scientific advisers have set out guidelines with timecodes as to when and where COVID will be in operation.

  • JD & Coke at 8:46 - Danger!

  • Last pint at 9:59 - Deeply Infectious

  • Finishing packet of crisps at bar at 10:01 - Not Contagious

  • Snogging fit boy in alleyway at 10:05 - Completely Safe

  • Playing musical chairs on Bakerloo line at 10:38 - COVID Compliant

By Sophie Peachey

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