I regret to have to contribute further to the demoralising atmosphere of Corona Virus. I wish I could draw some positives from this difficult moment, but this quarantine period has been really difficult for me. Whilst death tolls surge and mental health reports flare, whilst vulnerable groups struggle to access food and toilet paper is rationed out, I haven’t had any male attention in at least a week.
I knew coming into this arid desert of quarantine that self-obsessed people, like myself, would be at a higher risk of going insane. For this reason, my therapist and I have developed a coping strategy specially for you! Don’t let the quarantine period be a much-needed break from your unhealthy need for male validation. Instead, follow our tips to give your crippling self-esteem a strong (although admittedly temporary) boost:
1) Post sexy pics. Basic, I know but just to get you started and in the mood. Spend hours doing your makeup, but don’t worry about an outfit. We recommend wearing nothing but your birthday suit and maybe some heels. This strategy is proven to get you a higher number of likes and a furious blast of DMs.
2) Go for bike rides in Hyde park with your parents. Lots of creepy middle-aged arab men can easily be found around the Marble Arch area. Be sure to smile as they manically honk their bike bells at you. Don’t blush because your mum is there, make her proud by offering them a tasteful slice of glute as your skirt flutters up in the wind.
3) Make sure to practice yoga right next to families having a picnic in your nearest park or communal garden. Don’t forget to wear a mask along with your leotard and position yourself 2 metres in front of the children to give them a scenic view that aligns with Boris’ social distancing guidelines.
4) Sign up to help your local mutual aid group. This gives you the opportunity to deliver medicine and food to elderly men!! Who knows what else they might find comfort in during these uncertain times…
Good luck and let me know how you get along!
By Chiara Maurino