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Broke Person's Guide To Butter

Melt Stork. Pour it proudly into the measuring cup which you bought for yourself because to be a baker means having the right appliances to fit the part.

● Realise that when the recipe called for butter, they did mean actual butter, not the stork margarine that you bought. Watch in horror as what’s left of your ‘butter’ sits defiantly on top of a tall layer of gooey water. Laugh and throw it all back into the pan. Maybe if you burn it some more it’ll mix together, right? That’s how physics works.

● Proceed to scoop out the liquidised ‘butter’ (you’re still calling it that?) out of the measuring cup. Not one to admit defeat to vegetable fat, proceed to pour it into the cookie mixture but at the last minute add some actual real butter on top too just to be sure. There. Fixed it.

● Use the mixer (another appliance that does a job and also represents the kind of life you want to lead) and attempt to squish all your final ingredients together. Ok maybe that really was the wrong coffee grounds to add to cookie dough. But you don’t have actual espresso ground and your housemate who the cookies are for liked this mix even more than usual and now wants to add the same coffee grounds to their morning oats to replace mixing it with boiling water in a cup. You both deserve these awful cookies. I mean great cookies, keep going!

● There were no more plain chocolate bars or cooking chocolate in the shop so you buy a bunch of Freddos and chop them up. There’s something dark in it; like a lobotomy of a symbol of your childhood, something so innocent and pure...NO I CHANGED MY MIND NOT THE FREDDOS.

● It’s too late for the Freddo frogs.

● Recipes by bakers and that girl on TikTok (we know you downloaded the app and there’s nothing to be ashamed of) say that if you put cookie dough in the fridge for 24-36 hours (opinions differ) it enhances the flavour. The Housemate takes some convincing as eating leftover cookie dough is their favourite thing.

● Compromise. Some dough goes in the oven and some go in the fridge, a secondary experiment to your melting pot of ingredients. Appreciate the science that actually goes into baking.

● Forget to set a timer on your phone for the first 5 minutes that they’re in there but it doesn’t matter because that oven is awful anyway so just blame everything on that if there are any discrepancies in the final product.

● Forget to take your phone off silent so you miss the timer you set anyway.

● Once you finally remember about your cookie crimes, run to the oven, and observe your tray of baked goods! Well they look like chocolate chip cookies and that’s good enough for you.

● The Ceremony of Breaking The First Cookie. Respect it. Take time over it. Instagram it. Edit the photo if the dough colour doesn’t look appetising enough.

● Take your first bite. Spit it out.

By Clare Louise Roberts

Clare is a Welsh singer-songwriter, actress, and writer living in Glasgow. Her first

comedy play premiered in Carlisle in 2018. Her theatre reviews can be seen in the

online magazine, Feminist Fringe. Her songwriting topics vary from friendships to

Netflix. She loves stories and using humour to explore difficult topics.

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