Quaranzine reports live from Matt Hancock’s ministerial press briefing, in which he is urging the public against texting their ex. Hancock warns of unnecessary psychological damage and a resurfacing of repressed trauma. The Health Minister has confirmed that it is definitely Bad For Your Health.
“We, as a public, are not in a position to be taking such virulent risks at this time. If an ex asks you to meet, you should say no. You should not be conversing with an ex of any sort. I haven’t texted mine, and nor should you. Armed forces will be sent upon positive intelligence of communication, and they will be obliged to ask you what the Fuck you are doing.”
“I will say this once, and expect you to retain this information: you are just bored. Please critically analyse your state of mind before embarking on such a tragic mission. The NHS will be supplying testing kits to each victim of ex-texting to determine if u r ok hun?”
“It is also important to note”, continues Hancock, short of breath, “that there is a very significant likelihood of him/her expecting a revival of your relationship after this lockdown lifts. Is this what you want?”
“I have consulted with chief medical officers, who have all concurred that texting your ex is detrimental to your health, and that you should aim at all costs to avoid being a stupid bitch.”
By Sophie Peachey