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Boris Johnson’s Opening Prologue To Parliament

Prime Minister Boris Johnson sought to reassure the critics in Parliament today by trying a new and simplified approach designed to help clarify the new rules around easing lockdown restrictions.

Having faced criticism for his previously unclear and oftentimes baffling communications, he opened his statement to the House of Commons with a helpful and rousing soundbite, to help process the latest information more clearly.

Eyewitnesses say many were visibly moved, with tears possibly of joy or despair:

Good Afternoon Mr Speaker. Allow me to begin:

Two Households, both in close proximity,

Among Corona where we lay our scene,

May forge old bonds in close vicinities,

But still the rules deem civil hands be clean

Within this crucial line of these two meters

A pair of star-cross’d bubblers may now kiss

But mis-adventured boozy outdoor eaters,

Do with their breath still carry a great risk.

So be thy breath-mask’d and with hand in glove

Ere September comes around for those who teach

And as for those establishments you love,

They form the subject of this here speech.

And so thy patient nation stay and hear me speak:

The pubs will open Saturday next week.

The PM continued after: “I’m confident that the British public are reassured by these clear updates as we guide them through this new phase. The instructions really are simple, you just need to cut the households in half, fold them on the corners then square off and divide by 6, turning them once every 15 minutes with a splash of lemon juice and then divide by 9, but only when you are outside.”

By Poppy Corbet Burcher

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