Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alert, stayin' alert
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alert
The Bee Gees new single, Stayin' Alert, is set to become the anthem underpinning Boris's televised addresses to the nation, as promotional fodder for the government's new inoperative slogan, 'Stay Alert'.
Boris Johnson's press team initially gunned for the original track, Stayin' Alive, but realised this was no longer appropriate given the government's handling of the crisis and the soaring death rates that ensued.
The Stay Alert message, delivered to the nation, has led to a stark rise in reports of insomnia in individuals, who are finding sleep difficult whilst attempting to keep one eye open. Reports are in also in with those who are struggling with their eyesight, straining their vision as they constantly scan the air for corona microbes and particles.
Quaranzine spoke with Karen, a viral vigilante, who is staying alert on behalf of her neighbourhood. Karen leads the special task force A.L.E.R.T., and has taken to blasting the single Stayin' Alert from her balcony night and day, to make sure that no-one in the London borough of Clapham loses sight of the cause.
"I stay constantly alert. I never take my shoes off, I make sure my heart-rate is always high, I wear adult nappies so I don't lose focus on the toilet. I haven't slept since last Sunday, and I wear my bifocal glasses even in the dark to make sure I can always seen corona. The song's chorus plays a on a loop in my head and reminds me that I must never relax."
Editors Note: Karen has since been hospitalised with exhaustion, and has contracted coronavirus during her stay.
By Sophie Peachey