Apple partners with UK Government to release new lockdown names

These include Tier XR, Tier 4S, Tier 4S Plus.

Tech giant Apple has partnered with the UK Government to announce a new marketing strategy for Tier 4. In an open address to the public, Boris Johnson has announced the slogan behind the new campaign;

"New Tier, New Mutation, New Branding!"

New datasets released by the ONS in the last few days show a new highly infectious variant of coronavirus spreading across parts of the South-East and London, with an R-rate around 0.4 and 70% more transmissible. This new data has prompted the government to do a U-turn on their other two tier announcements this week, and level up to a new lockdown tier thought to be previously non-existent.

To save Londoners from getting whiplash after having been placed in tier 2, 3 and 4 within the space of a week, Apple has teamed up with the Tories to create brand spanking new names for lockdowns.

Designed to maximise confusion and obscure ineptitude, the new lockdown names are as follows:

Lockdown 2

Lockdown 2: Tokyo Drift

Tier 3 Plus

Tier 4S

Tier XR

Tier 4S Plus

Tier 4s Plus Extra Bonus Feature

Tier 5 Fuck Christmas

Tier 6 "Oops!... I Did It Again" Brittany Spears Edition

Tier 7 Vaccine Plus

Tier 8 New Covid Strain in Blue

Boris has announced these new names in a press release, adding that he hopes that everyone has a wonderful Christmas full of crushing loneliness, misery and minimal trips to the ICU.

By Sophie Peachey