An Open Letter To Jesus From A Very Angry Atheist (Or Whoever Is Listening)

Dear Jesus, God, the Messiah, or do you prefer Mr. Yarway?

Whoever is up there listening, I have something that I’d like to say

Now I could’ve gone to Allah, or even that Hindu one; Shiva

But her arms freak me out, and I reckon she's a bit of a diva

I know that over the years, we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye

But now the time seems right, to give this whole ‘faith’ thing a try

Now down here on the earth that you supposedly created, we’re in a spot of bother

And now shockingly I’ve turned to you, my long-forgotten father

I’m enquiring into one of those miracle jobbies, that you used to do

I’m hoping it won’t be too much trouble you see, as it’s only a little flu

You claimed to have walked on water, so this should be a doddle

I’m not asking you to reinvent the wheel or anything, there’s no need to re-model

I’m sure you are aware, on what’s happening down on earth

But I’ve been locked in my house for 6 weeks now, and its driving me bezerk

I can’t even go on Instagram, without being forced to run a 5k

I’ve not had a shag in so long, I think my nobs started to decay

I’ve been on so many walks, and now my feet are starting to blister

I just want some female company that isn’t my mum or sister

I’ve pretty much completed the Internet, and given bread making a blast

But I’m on the verge of desperation…I almost started my own podcast

What I’m really saying Jesus, is that I’m getting rather bored

So I want to strike a deal with you. My Humble Liege, My Lord

If you can promise to me now, that you’ll end this isolation

I vow to you that from this day, I’ll be the best Christian in the nation

I will be the good Catholic boy, that you always wanted me to be

I’ll go to church every week, with lubed up arse, and sit on a fat priest’s knee

I can even be more compassionate, I’ll be a fucking Saint

I’ll always pay for dinner, and not put out on a first date

Fuck it, I’ll even give up sex, and pray by my bed every night

Just as long as were clear one small detail, anal doesn’t count, right?

Okay maybe not sex, that’s probably a stretch too far

But I promise to fast on Fridays, and stop eating olives straight from the jar

So what’s it gonna take, mate? Just think of the nurses and the surgeons

Maybe a few Our Fathers? I can even sacrifice a few virgins.

Do you need cold hard cash? I’ve haven’t much, but I can certainly get some

Wanna add me up on Snapchat, and we could have a little fun ;) ?

Or maybe a brand-new robe? I’ve got 20% off at Zara!

Sure thing I can lead your people, for 40 years across the Sahara

You can turn water into wine; You’re the pioneer of The Sésh

So maybe a gram of Mandy? Or a pound of my own flesh?

I’ll volunteer at the community centre, I’ll even be their new night porter

I’ll look you dead in-between the eyes, and dip my balls in Holy water

Should I preach the word of God? Because I will do that most happily

I could even build an Ark with my skills from GCSE D.T.

I could learn to speak Hebrew, and I’m game for circumcision But all the drugs I’ve taken in the past, may somewhat hinder my precision

I’m not taking this lightly Jesus, I really will do whatever you say

Because another month in this house, will have me taking up crochet

So read this over with Moses, and let my proposal marinade

I swallowed my pride writing you this letter, so I think that’s more than a fair trade

Oh Heavenly Father should you accept, you will know where I am…

Yours Sincerely, From a desperate, newly reformed Atheist and your willing servant, Sam.