Dear Jesus, God, the Messiah, or do you prefer Mr. Yarway?
Whoever is up there listening, I have something that I’d like to say
Now I could’ve gone to Allah, or even that Hindu one; Shiva
But her arms freak me out, and I reckon she's a bit of a diva
I know that over the years, we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye
But now the time seems right, to give this whole ‘faith’ thing a try
Now down here on the earth that you supposedly created, we’re in a spot of bother
And now shockingly I’ve turned to you, my long-forgotten father
I’m enquiring into one of those miracle jobbies, that you used to do
I’m hoping it won’t be too much trouble you see, as it’s only a little flu
You claimed to have walked on water, so this should be a doddle
I’m not asking you to reinvent the wheel or anything, there’s no need to re-model
I’m sure you are aware, on what’s happening down on earth
But I’ve been locked in my house for 6 weeks now, and its driving me bezerk
I can’t even go on Instagram, without being forced to run a 5k
I’ve not had a shag in so long, I think my nobs started to decay
I’ve been on so many walks, and now my feet are starting to blister
I just want some female company that isn’t my mum or sister
I’ve pretty much completed the Internet, and given bread making a blast
But I’m on the verge of desperation…I almost started my own podcast
What I’m really saying Jesus, is that I’m getting rather bored
So I want to strike a deal with you. My Humble Liege, My Lord
If you can promise to me now, that you’ll end this isolation
I vow to you that from this day, I’ll be the best Christian in the nation
I will be the good Catholic boy, that you always wanted me to be
I’ll go to church every week, with lubed up arse, and sit on a fat priest’s knee
I can even be more compassionate, I’ll be a fucking Saint
I’ll always pay for dinner, and not put out on a first date
Fuck it, I’ll even give up sex, and pray by my bed every night
Just as long as were clear one small detail, anal doesn’t count, right?
Okay maybe not sex, that’s probably a stretch too far
But I promise to fast on Fridays, and stop eating olives straight from the jar
So what’s it gonna take, mate? Just think of the nurses and the surgeons
Maybe a few Our Fathers? I can even sacrifice a few virgins.
Do you need cold hard cash? I’ve haven’t much, but I can certainly get some
Wanna add me up on Snapchat, and we could have a little fun ;) ?
Or maybe a brand-new robe? I’ve got 20% off at Zara!
Sure thing I can lead your people, for 40 years across the Sahara
You can turn water into wine; You’re the pioneer of The Sésh
So maybe a gram of Mandy? Or a pound of my own flesh?
I’ll volunteer at the community centre, I’ll even be their new night porter
I’ll look you dead in-between the eyes, and dip my balls in Holy water
Should I preach the word of God? Because I will do that most happily
I could even build an Ark with my skills from GCSE D.T.
I could learn to speak Hebrew, and I’m game for circumcision But all the drugs I’ve taken in the past, may somewhat hinder my precision
I’m not taking this lightly Jesus, I really will do whatever you say
Because another month in this house, will have me taking up crochet
So read this over with Moses, and let my proposal marinade
I swallowed my pride writing you this letter, so I think that’s more than a fair trade
Oh Heavenly Father should you accept, you will know where I am…
Yours Sincerely, From a desperate, newly reformed Atheist and your willing servant, Sam.