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A Eulogy To The Mullet

Now that hairdressers have flung wide their consecrated doors,

The mullet that sits atop your head is no more.

Your brain's bedfellow, your scalp's furry friend,

This monstrosity that straddles your ears must end.

Jonty, there are other ways to tell us you vote Tory

Without seeking the help of this shaggy visual allegory.

You see, dear Jonty, it never was an attractive style

Contrary to your belief, the ladies aren't queuing up single file.

As if we don't have enough to deal with, us vs the virus

Bristol is now host to a tribute act convention for Billy Ray Cyrus

In the witching hours and behind closed eyes, they're all I see -

Please shave off the mullet and set me free.

As the trend grows for a haircut that's 'business in the front, party in the back'

Big pharma is witnessing exponential growth in prescriptions for prozac.

Sit down with your barber, speak to your therapist

Accept that you'll forever be on Vidal Sassoon's blacklist.

Despite my protestations, you will be missed

In the same way I would miss a sebaceous cyst

(not at all).

By Sophie Peachey

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