A Comprehensive Guide to Dodging the Abyss


I’ll admit it – I was in a depression. Dragging through the endless monotony of daily existence, corona spirals continued to strike unexpectedly, leaving me emptier than the wrapper of my Cadbury’s MaltEaster egg. *Corona Spiral = a random descent into the suffocating melancholy that is isolation. But guess what, bitches. We’re back and badder than EVER. No longer am I trapped in my sad little cocoon of misery and overeating. Instead, I have decided to flourish into quarantine butterfly, crushing my outer shell just like Georgia crushed her olive costume (albeit with a better fake tan x). Camy! I hear you cry – How have you done this? That’s gosh darn IMPOSSIBLE. To you, doubtful reader, I say one word. FALSE. So today, I bring you Quaranzine’s comprehensive guide to dodging the abyss, because as certified isolation experts – we truly know best. Step 1: Get in the shower, loser. Nothing less motivating than bad B.O., or hair that smells like the salmon you cooked the night before. Literally – clean up your act, babe. Step 2: Ensure your nomination for the 5k challenge. If you’re not nominated already, that probably means you’ve got no mates, so I would recommend nominating yourself. Getting up and moving gets those endorphins a flowin, sure fire way to fight off the blues. Step 3: Start your own business. Thinking of starting a magazine? Stop right there, you sly fuck, that’s called plagiarism, so you can just jog on. But being mildly productive is good for the ol’ mental health, so would truly recommend. Step 4: Make all of your meals as overly elaborate as possible, to the point of ridicule. Got flour? Get BAKING – celebrity bake off is great inspo, but obviously make it gourmet (Ocado ingredients preferred). Step 5: Make sure EVERYONE knows about all of your quarantine productivity. Cooking insta, YouTube channel, TikTok fame, cheeky article - all essential to boast of your superiority. Lift yourself up by making everyone else feel inadequate, the ultimate failsafe for happiness in the time of Rona.

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