A 21st In Quarantine.




Proverbial cup really full rn, thanks.


It’s my 21st birthday on Tuesday and no seriously I’m fine, I actually didn’t want to spend it surfing on a beautiful beach in Portugal. Honestly, yeah, I’ll be the first to admit, I had organised and paid for a jaw-droopingly cool airbnb with sea views (I know, don’t, please), and I had booked (non refundable) flights, and even gone to the length of imagining myself on the balcony/terrace of said Airbnb, at around 7ish on the day-of, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other - it’s my birthday I’ll have no anti-smoking comments please - enjoying nature’s own lightshow (a sunset). There may have even been a bit of George Ezra or Nick Mulvey on a Bose speaker. No, I’m getting carried away. But the point is, I’m fine, I would actually prefer to spend this day in social isolation, in quarantine, with 2 metres between me and the next Harry or Sally. And do you know why -


Because luckily for me I fully believe in the mantra ‘sometimes you don’t get what you want, you get what you need’ @rollingstones. Maybe this is what I need. Either spiritually or from karma. I actually don’t remember kicking a puppy or stealing a TV, but it must have been a pure bred Tibetan Mastiff show dog with braids or a 98 inch Master Series 8K HDR TV with Picture Processor X1 Ultimate and Acoustic Multi-Audio television with an Authorised dealer, a free 5 year warranty and an unbeatable price (search: most expensive tv in the world). Because I’m feeling it.


For those interested, I have contented myself/sort of worked out a way to beat the system - by organising for ‘Pete from Hermes’ to deliver my LoveCrafts ‘chunky yarn,’ on the special day between 5-9pm. This really turns me on because fuck coronavirus, I’d be at home anyway those four hours, waiting for my yarn of course. Yes Karen, even if it wasn’t a fucking rule. So whose the real winner? Coronavirus-60,667: Jemima-1.


But anyway yeah it’s going to be a great day. I’ll be attending, on my 21st, one of the most exclusive gatherings of the year. It’s going to be wild, it’s going to be boozey, there might be tears - who knows. They will be mine. Has anyone ever not cried on their birthday, asking for a 3rd cousin. Don’t all get excited at once, but there may even be a special guest speaker in the form of a certified coronavirus scientist - I would encourage you to indeed hold your breath for this one. I know, I know - everyone seems to be one these days. But this guy is different. This guy is actually the only person in the world with all the information. I guess Boris and the doctors from Wuhan must be direct messaging him or something. Anyway, this will be what I’m having this year instead of a clown, to entertain my guests, all 4 of them. The scientist will undoubtedly look and sound exactly like my neighbour Gerard. Don’t worry. We won’t have him in the house. He will talk at us through the fence. So yeah. I am really looking forward to the whole spectacle. 21 never looked so groovy. Wine, anyone?


- By JCJ








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