Psych! Physically impossible.
In this quarantine period let’s face it, you’re either going to be having a LOT of sex or, very tragically, absolutely none. If you're in the latter camp, here's a list of 7 things to do to satiate your desires, distract yourself or numb the pain of state-mandated celibacy.
When your mind starts to think about the big O (orgasm, virgin), I am prescribing a vigorous wank as this is as close as you are going to get to any sexual activity for the next 2 months. Although it may not stop you thinking of sex, you will reach a state of satisfaction only your hand can provide. Try not to think about Boris Johnson telling you to wash your hands!
Have a cold shower. This is the oldest, yet most reliable trick in the book. There is nothing like the excruciatingly unpleasant sensation of freezing water pelting your naked and shivering body to cool off those heated thoughts you detty, detty pig.
Have a sternly worded phone conversation with the sales manager over the cancellation of your gym subscription that you never go to (and will never have the chance to now because of the lockdown, oh the outrage) which will end with both of you in tears and a full refund on your part (it’s the small victories that count). The mental anguish over the preparation of said phone call will have you in knots and completely distracted from the subject of this article.
Wear loose clothing over the crotch area (or any area of your body for that matter, as they say, the biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain!) so as to not feel like anybody is touching you to reduce any unwanted excitement. This is also very useful advice for any yeast or other such infections you may have contracted during your wild ‘goldrush' period just before lockdown.
Think about death.
Meditation is key to successfully avoiding any treacherous thoughts. By meditation, I mean think very hard on a previous sexual experience that was less than desirable, or actually enjoyable. Don’t lie to me, we all have one in our repertoire. Well, dig it out of the tightly locked closet it’s currently living in your mind and relive that painful experience, trust me, it will put you off for at least an hour.
Aha. We have reached no. 7. This is also a form of meditation, but I would now like you to cast your mind to your parents probably doing it in the room below you (hey at least someone is getting it). Yes it’s gross, but it is also the reason you are here today reading this fabulous article and I propose we all take a moment to thank our parents for putting us on this earth here today so we can live through these truly extraordinary times.
Now I know you must be reading this article and thinking, most of the above advice is getting you to think about sex, but, let’s face it, these are dark times, and if you want to endure it by living through your previous victorious, eye-rollingly orgasmic, excruciating, embarrassing and hilarious experiences with the wonder that is sexual intercourse, who am I to tell you any different, live your life and stay at home!
By Camille de Meeus