Convert your outhouse to a Portaloo and other excessive improvements.
With Glastonbury weekend just around the corner, the nation yearns to be back in a field. However, you can still enjoy the televised virtual content by creating your own experience and bringing the vibrant festival feel to your back yard.
1. CONVERT YOUR OUTHOUSE into a Portaloo, line it with plastic. Why? Because sanitation. If you don’t have a garden, your indoor loo will be fine, just empty the contents of the bathroom bin onto the surfaces for authenticity. Recommended every 3rd or 4th wee to be around the bowl and not in.
2. REMOVE YOUR CURTAINS, FIND A BROOM and erect some sort of bell tent. Only you will know if your curtains will have the right look. If you have blinds, stitching together all your duvet covers will work.
3. GET A LODGER AND A HI-VIZ JACKET. Let them stay with you, form a Bubble, appoint them Chief Steward. Position them in the corner or at the front by the TV. You can ask them for directions to the kitchen and loo and they can control the crowd. It’s also good to have another pair of eyes in case of crime.
4. GET A TRESTLE TABLE. Lay out your entire wardrobe and all your old bric-a-brac for that vintage stall feel. Browse and re-browse during the weekend. Buy on the last day when the price has been reduced.
5. START YOUR ONLINE FOOD DELIVERY NOW Not only will it take 3 weeks to add the sheer volume of cider and noodles you’ll want for the weekend into your basket, experience now teaches us to book way in advance. It will also give you the same site-crashing nervous thrill of trying to buy actual Glastonbury tickets.
6. SWITCH ALEXA TO ‘PUNTER MODE’ allowing her to clap, chant and heckle for added ambience. She could also act as a handy public address system in case of emergency.
By Poppy Corbet Burcher