During this turbulent time, we are seeing shocking images and footage from across the world of people stampeding through supermarkets, stockpiling for the apocalypse. However, what people consider essential varies from country to country. In the Netherlands, there are vast queues for cannabis in an effort to bring a haze over the incoming destruction by Miss Rona. In Russia, for the first time in their long, illustrious history, there is a shortage of vodka forcing poor Russians to turn to gin in desperation. In the Trump’s America, the queues are not for bourbon but for guns. This brings me to Great Britain, and you would expect the Brits to head straight for the tea aisle, but no, we decide that we can do without a hallucinogen or even more shockingly alcohol. Instead, we decide that the most important item for survival is a soft tissue to wipe our arse with. To exacerbate this crisis even further, people like myself and the editor of this fabulous magazine, have participated in the Instagram trend of the #toiletrollchallenge to do keepie-uppies with a toilet roll (I used two rolls - practice makes perfect). Therefore, I believe it is imperative to supply a list of potential alternatives to safely catch, bin and kill whatever comes out your backend in these difficult times.
1- Kitchen Roll
The next best thing to bog roll, the most logical substitute. However, every other idiot is going to clear out this product once the loo roll is gone so therefore not a safe bet.
2- Kleenex Tissues
I would say tissues, especially of the Kleenex variety, are the softer and more luxurious than the kitchen roll alternative. The only downside is that if you contract coronavirus then you will have better uses for the tissues rather than wiping your bum.
When the first two alternatives are no longer available, the next option is newspaper. Each household’s political orientation or journalistic preference will result in different newspaper varieties being used. All I can say is that the most suitable papers to use are The Sun, Daily Express and The Daily Mirror as they are good for nothing else. However, champagne socialists will tend to use The Guardian, Tories will be forced to use their beloved Daily Telegraph and my personal recommendation for the best results would be the Financial Times.
4- Dock Leaf
This option is only available to those fortunate enough to live in the Great British countryside. I have personally used this alternative throughout my entire childhood whilst exploring the wilderness. It is a brilliant cure for nettle stings therefore giving it a nice herbal and smooth sensation on your buttocks. Would highly recommend.
5- Garden Hose or - if European or upper-middle class - a bidet
We do not have a water shortage…. yet, therefore water is the most comprehensive way to clean your crack and it helps if there is an instrument to accurately do so. So, the garden hose can achieve this rather well but might result in you mooning your neighbours. Alternatively, the upper-middle classes are now thanking their interior designers for installing the supposedly unnecessary half-toilet-half-sink, so they do this in the comfort of their own bathrooms beside the his and her sinks.
By Anna Scott