Isolation gives us a lot of new time to think, reflect and ultimately obsess over that one fucker that hurt you. So, here’s my helpful 10 step guide to finally realising he may be dreamy, but you are the sun ;)
1. Be sure to bottle all your sweet sweet emotion up inside and leave it to fester.
2. Stalk him on snapmaps every second of the day – best way to get over them is to know what they’re doing, at all times.
3. Search for validation in any man you can – the postman, the amazon delivery guy, whoever you stumble across. More men are always the answer to your self worth.
4. Definitely read through every old text, just to remind yourself what times used to be like, how sweet he was and how he once loved you but now he doesn’t and his last messages are ‘leave me alone’, ‘stop stalking me’, and ‘did you steal my cat?’
5. Send him a love letter– to remind him you still care, it worked in a Netflix film so it’ll work for you. Or, maybe in these times, send him a voicenote at 2am after a long night on drinking alone.
6. Watch Normal People and cry your way through every episode as it reminds you of your first love, and all the sex you will no longer be having.
7. Fuck his bestfriend (jokes its Corona so maybe DM him instead, the long game is a good game). If you can’t get even, get dirty.
8. Burn pictures of him in a celebratory fire, post it on insta and tag him in it. Crazy vibes are always sexy vibes. He’ll be left missing you for sure.
9. Find out which new girl he is chatting to and befriend them, if she is your friend she can’t go for your ex. It’s the rules of feminism hun.
10. Totally, unconditionally accept that you can never do better, he was it but now he’s gone and you will waste away without his substandard dick
In all seriousness, there’s no swift way to do it. But if ever there was a cure – it’d be to buy a vibrator, watch some porn, and you’ll realise you never fucking needed him anyway, babe. You’ve got this.
By Iona Cleave