You wake up to a fresh new world. Vaccines are effective, spring has sprung, the air is positively balmy. Lockdown has almost ended; only a fleeting three months to go.
Before you let your morning bout of covid depression wash over your body in its routine style, you open up Hinge, ready to see how many men will validate you.
Two. TWO? And they're both 5"8? And they both live in Clapham? An absolute liberty. What fresh hell is this?
It's the algorithm, you say. I haven't been very active on the app recently, that's why. Every single man in London just hasn't checked their hinge in the last week, you whimper to yourself.
Nigglings of self-doubt catch you throughout the day. A side-eye into the mirror reveals that you do, indeed, look like dog-shite. Could I be ugly? Does that explain the two likes? No, impossible.
You fight the Sunday Scaries through some easy go-to tips and tricks, as listed below:
1. Read some watered-down Ikea-style third wave feminist literature that preaches just the right level of misandry for you to feel better about yourself. Book of choice: Women Don't Owe You Pretty by Florence Given. A completely shit book that will make you feel better about yourself for two minutes until you get sucked into morass of the The Slumflower drama and then spend the next hour regurgitating the debate to your long-suffering flatmate.
2. Put on a pair of yoga pants and stare at your arse in the mirror.
3. Grudgingly reply to the scallywags in your Instagram inbox. 'Haha no way really?' is the bone you choose to throw them, hoping it will abate their advances until your next response scheduled for the following week.
4. Tip back a little too far on your desk chair, until you almost fall and you feel your heart leap out of your ribs. That should make you feel something.
5. Stare at a blank wall until you dissociate.
6. Stalk your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend on Facebook to remind yourself how much worse some people have it.
7. Masturbate furiously.
8. Revisit your Google doc on modern witchcraft and the powers of manifestation.
9. Look at your two degrees and sigh over how often you undermine your intellectual capabilities by getting bothered by a dating app that is designed to make you question yourself in order to continue returning to mend the self-doubt it created in the first place in a self-perpetuating vicious cycle.
10. Write an article for your satirical online magazine.
By Sophie Peachey