North-London Mother Claire Davis, 56, is awarded PHD in infectious disease mitigation strategies overnight. After receiving first-class honours from the University of Whatsapp, she talks to Quaranzine about her new-found acumen for all things pathogen.
“Basically, I’ve discussed it with Sharrel and Sue, and it seems that coronavirus can now be spread via droplet transmission from a length of 7 miles. It stays on a hard surface for 11 months, and a soft surface for 3 lightyears.”
“My children are particularly susceptible to it”, she carried on, “which is why I’ve made the decision to have them cryogenically frozen. This choice was made after I found out from Hilary on Whatsapp that the Russians are concealing the death rate, which is actually as high as 79%.”
“Helen’s sister’s husband’s hairdresser’s lover knows someone at the Ministry of Sound who said that the Chinese actually have the vaccine, and that they’re withholding it as a form of population control.”
By Sophie Peachey